Last update April 10, 2025
Intro
This story is about dealing with alcohol and other substance addictions. I grew up in modest conditions but was always happy, feeling I had all I needed, thanks to my Mom and other close relatives and friends, learning a lot from them. Things started to go well (financially). Then even better, actually too well and too fast. That life took its toll and a dive down followed. Then in recovery until I felt good. I felt I was ok while when I really was not. Then another dive down followed. Now going through another recovery thanks to my relatives and close friends.
So kind of, “Kitchen Confidential” (a reference to Anthony Bourdain’s book).
I could have posted more pictures of others here or call out names, unless public and known figures already. For the sake of privacy of others I didn’t, unless people want me to and give me permission to do so.
A reflection
In Your Dog Is Your Mirror, a dog trainer Kevin Behan proposes a radical new model for understanding canine behavior: a dog’s behavior and emotion, indeed it’s very cognitive, are driven by our emotions. The dog does not respond to what the owner thinks, says, or does; it responds to what the owner feels. And in this way, dogs can actually put people back in touch with their own emotions. Behan demonstrates that dogs and humans are connected more profoundly than has ever been imagined; by heart; and this approach to dog’s cognition can help us understand many of dogs’ most inscrutable behaviors.
Addiction
For me, it is hard to say when it all started. I learned all sorts of skills from Mom and uncles while growing up. I thank them for all that as it was very useful later on in my life. Respect for others, being humble, not just working skills or ethics, and then the attitude. But alcohol was always part of our lives, more or less at every gathering. First, as teenager. Maybe once a week on a weekend. Then towards the end of high school more often, and so on.
As a kid and teen, I was not so interested in toys and playing like most of my age. I liked science, music, painting, and I was interested in learning to cook as my Mom was excellent at it. Initially, I wanted to become an architect. Ironically, now I play an architect role but in IT. Sometimes, I think, I should have become an architect, musician or chef.
After finishing my military duty in 1981, in 1982 I went to Helsinki to study computer sciences and to work in the IT industry. Alcohol was always part of life. More of a norm than an exception. Partying while student, and in work life later on as “part of doing business”.
Then I moved to Seattle in 1992 for about 25 years for work.
Photos below: Mount Rainier, seafair with Space Needle and the Blue Angels, Mount St. Helens Erupting, and Seattle skyline as seen from Salty’s on Alki Beach during sunset.
During that period crisis hit. I did not admit I had a problem until a few serious incidents took place. Others around me saw it, I did not. When you need a drink to feel “normal”, you’re in a bad place. The others were the problem, not me, I thought. Then, without getting into details, I tried a few other things too. Luckily, I “only” tried and left it like that.
I moved to Copenhagen, Denmark early 2018 for work. A new environment, not just a new place but technology-wise gave my life a new meaning and a lot of new to learn. And then, COVID-19 hit. Some Copenhagen scenery below.
Photos below: Nyhavn, Bridge with locks left behind (Love & hope), Church of our Savior, wine bottle XMAS tree a local restaurant puts out every year, Little Mermaid, and Danish “Hygge”.
Tårnet (or “the tower”) – view point and a restaurant, with traditional, danish open-faced sandwiches, at the top of tallest building in copenhagen. On a clear day you can see most of Copenhagen and all the way to Malmö, Sweden.
Christianshavn and “free town Christiania”, Seaside tiny homes in christianshavn, poster guide on how to pronounce any Danish word, and Recycling and keeping city of Copenhagen clean.
My situation – here I am on my own. My family and friends are in the USA and Finland, or elsewhere around the globe. I love living and working in Europe. Especially in Copenhagen and for a good cause – helping improve the environment.
Gradually things got worse. I realized this [drinking] was not fun for me anymore. It had become a “necessity and center of my life”. I decided to stop it “cold turkey”. This was around COVID peak times, around late 2020, early 2021. After a week or so, I started getting serious withdrawal symptoms. I could barely walk, trembling, dizziness, balance problems, even hallucinations. That resulted to a trip to ER and stay in a hospital.
I got home 5 or so days later. I thought never again. I can handle this on my own. I was wrong. I was sober for one year, exercising and eating well. And most importantly doing all of it on a regular basis as a routine. I started to feel really good, better than for a long, long time. I thought I can live the “normal life” again, and have a glass of wine or drink every now and then. I was wrong, not the case with me. It was all downhill from there again.
On a positive note, I have always loved music. With almost everything closed during COVID, I started to wonder what to do, being by myself in my apartment. I started writing lyrics for songs.
The process – I write the initial lyrics with certain genre in mind. With help of my Finnish musician friend the song evolves in all aspects. He creates demo(s) by playing guitars and sings. Everything else is synthesizers. We work on it and iterate until we think the song is ready for studio time. Multi-track recording comes out played with real instruments by other musicians along with my friend on guitars and vocals. Followed by mixing and production process. With final cut, I create cover art and a music video for the song. What an outlet and a great learning experience it has been for me.
Proud of that work.
My YouTube playlist here hopefully growing. Creating takes time and patience. My lyrics tell stories about my real life experiences.
Making and performing music or any form of art, including martial arts, is team work and collaboration at its best. Businesses should learn from that process.
Spoiler alert: I have many lyrics ready in the “drawer” for other songs. Some finished and ready for process, some what I call the seeds. We’ll see what comes out, if anything, but I keep working on it.
At some point, things got out of hand. I had to seek help. The hardest part to do was to pick up that 300lbs (or 150kg) phone. Another 5 day trip to ER and a hospital followed. Everything was easier from there on. I needed professional help. All I had to do is ask. The need must come from within oneself – others can not make you do it. They can only encourage you to get help. Now, with professional help and support from my close relatives and friends I am in a program and path for recovery. Feeling safer and in a much better place. Meeting with health professionals at least once week for now. I also realized this is not just about me, but others around me who are affected and suffer because they care about me.
Another perspective I started to grasp is summed up well in a quote below from Robin Williams.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.
Always.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Point being, don’t be too eager to judge others just by what you see outside, be it success or misery. Listen to them. Try to understand their story. For yourself, try not to make things look better than they really are, covering problems. Many pretend everything is ok, no one pretends things are NOT ok. Be open and channel it out. It is a painful experience. To go through it, and tell others about it. With honesty, and without honey coating, being candid. It can be very difficult, believe me.
Once you get there step by step, an award is waiting for you.
My life, like everyone’s, has had highs and lows. Being fit, from being very active in sports, helped me build stamina and tolerance against substances – a blessing and a curse at the same time.
Photos below:
My “Lochloosa” (look for a song by J.J Grey & Mofro)
My “Lochloosa”
a Ski trip to alyeska resort in anchorage, ak – with 8 great buddies from all over the USA.
Yin & Yang – opposite forces meet where one fades out at one point, and where the other one emerges. Fire Meets Water in this case.
and finally, my katana on a stand that says “musashi” – referring to a great late samurai Miyamoto musashi. The belt is an honorary black belt given to me by my Japanese colleagues in Tokyo, with my name written on right side end of the belt, and Shotokan on the belt on the left side in the photo. though the style I PRACTICED in finland and UK from 1982 to 1992 was Shotokai. founded by Gichin Funakoshi in 1930. a slightly different style of teaching and practicing from shotokan. Some of Funakoshi’s key students were Shigeru Egami and Mitsusuke Harada. Harada being my teacher, or sensei later on, along with one of his key students William “Billy” Haggerty & OTHERS.
Mitsusuke Harada was knighted by Queen Elisabeth II later on his life, for teaching the art to police force and military. he passed away peacefully in his home Cwmbran, UK – in 2021 at the age of 92. Then, as Sir Mitsusuke Harada, still daily PRACTICING and teaching the art of karate-do ’til the end of his life. A bit of a history and a learning lesson there about vision, mission and persevErance.
Learning a martial art is also where cognition comes to play. It is very difficult, if not impossible to learn the art of karate-do, or something called “Hakkei” (how to release one’s UTMOST energy at the right time), OR SOMETHING SOUNDING AS SIMPLE AS BREATHING, OR RHYTHM just by reading on it, JUST BY trying to understand it from others expressing it in words. it is tacit knowledge, YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOUR BODY AND MIND. dealing with addiction is a very similar process to that in a sense. It is a learning process through endless and continuous PRACTICE – where one is never ready and done.
Behind the katana is my daughter’s painting of the frozen lake and forest in front of our holiday home, DURING ChRiStmas HOLIDAYS, MY LOCHLOOSA.
After moving to Seattle I practiced mixed martial arts and power yoga there for 12-13 years or so, 6 and 7 years respectively.
the skiing for me started when i was 6 years old. First casual of course but started to change to “extreme skiing” at some point in my late 20’s.
One of my friends once said about me: “He is immune to alcohol.” It seemed so at the time but was far from truth. Like Tuomari Nurmio, Dumari ja Spuget sing:
Skulaa tai Delaa (Play or Die (Beyond Hope)), or Kurjuuden Kuningas (King of Misery).
He may have meant something else with his lyrics. The way I relate to them in my life is, I have only one option. Stop and be sober.
I have a lot of respect for people in the health industry.
They’re always, a least here in Copenhagen, so cheerful and friendly to you. Despite they deal with people like me and many in much worse situation or condition than me. Day in and out. With the little resources they have available.
It is beyond belief how they do it. With lots of patience. It takes a special breed. If you ask me what is hard work – that is – both mentally and physically.
So, respect them and what they do.
Fame changed me (Editorial note: “Fame” replaced with “Success” by me), but it happened in two phases. It would be stupid to ignore the fact that I changed in terms of snobbery and arrogance in the beginning. I thought the initial success was the top, something really cool, but then I realized that success can be handled differently, that I should pay more attention and make people understand that I am normal. Success changed me once, and now it changed me again, I hope for the better. He would be able to live easily even without notoriety. My lifestyle wouldn’t change from regret if I wasn’t famous anymore. If all my money ran out tomorrow, I would still be the same person. It would still be the same, because that’s what I did before. With or without money. I know I can do it. That is the attitude that counts. I like to live life to the end. That is my nature and I will not meet or listen to people who tell me how to behave. I do everything I want to do. It is something innate that is part of me. It has always been like this. Success helps you, of course, it is easier to be outrageous or provocative, but it is not the end. I’m always going to walk around like a Persian popinjay and nobody will stop me.
FREDDIE MERCURY – A LIFE IN HIS WORDS.
That kind of life can take its toll. it changes your appearance from looking and feeling healthy to looking and feeling sick. going back and worth. It puts a lot of stress ON your mind and body. That combined with aging. There is also feeling of guilt and shame involved – that is the way we were brought up.
Neurodivergent
Sort of a quote from discussion with a dear friend (you know who you are) in the US, combined with with brief research on the word, neurodivergent, which I did not know what it really means.
“Neurodivergent” person refers to a person on the autism spectrum or, more generally, to someone whose brain processes information in a way that is not typical of most individuals.”
Addiction can be a form of self medication especially if you’re neurodivergent.
I’ve been asked if I can promise I get there.
While I cannot make that promise, I can say I will do my best to get & stay there – step by step!
More on this later as the constellations of the night sky allow the stories to emerge. This is still Work In Progress (a.k.a. WIP). This is my way to get my story out, and perhaps even help someone else by doing this.
Some songs & videos here related to the topic
The internal pain
